february 13th: a day in the life. or something.

February is always a bad month for me. For a lot of people, probably; it's that horrid time after the holidays, when the new year has really set it and spring/summer/vacation time seems so far off. It's cold and dark and rainy/snowy. (The cats are cuddly, so there's that.)

Anyway, I have a lot of crappy anniversaries around this time, and for the next few months. It's easy for me to get caught up in reliving the past, in combing through journals and looking through pictures and remembering how much shit sucked and romanticizing it in my head and thinking how much I want to be back there sometimes. It's National Eating Disorders Awareness month, and this always makes me want to make some sort of comprehensive post of my story, which of course always features the "best" parts. The pictures from the few days I felt mildly attractive, or one of those rare days I hadn't binged earlier.

So, this year instead I'm going to post entries from my LJ from this exact date, for whatever years I have them. (Including non-mental health related posts, because the contrast still boggles my mind) Not cutting out the horrible, gritty, disgusting parts. Not just posting pictures for shock value, which is a lot of what "eating disorder awareness" posts do. Because yeah, that's part of it, but 95% is the hell-hole of your own mind, spinning itself into oblivion.


This will be TRIGGERING MATERIAL. (a.k.a. KATIE, GTFO) I'll tag/warn each post individually, but in general there will be: eating disorders, self-injury (cutting), exercise addiction, depression, anxiety, suicidality - in writing and in pictures. The pictures are GRAPHIC. Like, SI graphic blood, and photoshopped out nudity. Cause that's what we do, my friends. It's a sick sort of self-worship, of self-preservation, of sharing in images what we cannot express in words.


I'm mainly posting this for myself, to remind myself that no matter how bad things seem right now, I'm not where I was. And things are so, so much better than they were. And I have cats.


So please, don't read this if it'll trigger you. I debated greatly with making this public, but I think I'll give it a try.


February 13th:

2005:

11:22 am - diedie 

grr. because lj and aa are annoying

hmm.

I should make things from scratch more often

10:57 pm - I've always thought you were crazy. You know that.

omigawwwwwwwd farscape just keeps getting better and better! I can't believe they cancelled it. Of all the idiotic stupid horrible nasty decisions.

Note to self: Never watch a cliffhanger episode sunday night...

Because this is SO MUCH FUN omigawd. heeeeeee I need to figure out how to do rings... and pretty space cloud stuff...

YAY FOR HAPPY DAYS!! AND LUCKY BLOBS WHO GET TO GO TO HORSE SHOWS! AND FLYING HORSES AND SUPER-COYOTE-FIGHTING-KITTIES.

heeeeeeeh :mellow:

2006

10:17 pm -  meh

Ok. I'm going to feel like a bitch for posting this. But then, I usually do.

Anneka gets on tonight and says "so this guy from santa barbara called me about this physics program that is inside the ccs thing and told me about how cool the program is and i think i am going to apply for the physics program."

Yes, that physics programs I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to get into. That I worked really hard on. That I'm SO FUCKING EXCITED ABOUT. And they let like FIFTEEN kids in. And Anneka just decides one day oh I'm gonna apply woopee and get in like I'll get in everywhere else and kick everyone else out, even if I'd never even heard of it until today! WTF. The deadline also passed like a month ago, but Anneka is special. Anneka is smart AND rich. She didn't even APPLY to the fucking thing and the stupid guy calls her. UGH. She gets EVERYTHING.

And then she was talking to me about it like I didn't know what it was. And I kept SAYING yes I KNOW all of that I actually RESEARCHED IT and I PICKED TO APPLY THERE and I WORKED TO APPLY THERE I didn't just get asked one day to randomly decide to. LAKESJRALWERJE IT WAS REALLY PISSING ME OFF. And she kept saying "I don't think it's what you're talking about," but EVERY SINGLE THING SHE SAID I'd go "yup that's what I did too" and LKAJERKLAJWERE

WHY DOES SHE GET EVERYTHING. WHY CAN'T I BE SO FUCKING LUCKY.

2007

07:38 pm - (no subject)

I feel so bloody fucking HUGE. I can FEEL my thighs when I stand up. I can physicially FEEL them pulling me down. I feel to heavy to support my weight. I just feel so ENORMOUS.

I can't take this.

07:40 pm - (no subject)

She ate an apple every morning, and everything was in control.

The anxious action of eating was over with before the day really began, and she didn't have to worry about it anymore. Didn't have to worry about binging, because she simply wouldn't eat.

It was just so much easier to not eat than to try to control portions.

11:29 pm - can you take it all away

I do not belong in my skin.

( photoshop therapy )

2009

05:33 am - (no subject)

So I hit a new low weight for the year this morning... only to get my period.

There has to be some sort of sick sense of justice in that.

07:01 pm - (no subject)

OMG the intro is different!!!!!

07:24 pm - (no subject)

( AHHHHHHHHH BSG )

IS KARA A CYLON?!?!?!?!?

WTFFFF i always wondered what happened to number 7...

wtf is going on??

"do you see the absurdity that i am?"

oh god this episode is amazing

"trapped in this absurd body"

"go back far enough it's always them"

09:26 pm - (no subject)

HELO is on Dollhouse. And they just referred to Edward James Olmos! haHA.

2010

02:40 pm - (no subject)

WAIT DUDE JAMIE BAMBER IS MARRIED TO ISHAY IN REAL LIFE?!? I HAD NO IDEA

*FLAILLLLLLLL*

Ok, I'm done. Except *drool*

06:26 pm - (no subject)

My parents are here and I'm already ready for them to leave. Not that I don't love them, they just... don't belong here. And they expect me to just shift my time schedule over the theirs and it's fucking 6:30 and I fucking want dinner.

Going to CPK which is good because they have a menu up, and I can get soup and salad for not too many calories. It really pisses me off that I can't go and just enjoy one meal. But I can't, because I know that every one of their pasta dishes has over 1000 calories and I just can't deal with that.

Anyway. They didn't even ask if they could come this year. They just assumed they were. And I really don't want them here. This is my space. I need to have this be my space where I control everything. I can't have them parenting me, I just can't take it.

Anyway. My dad called me "Your skinnyness" and made me happy. We watched an episode of X-Files. Tomorrow we're going to the zoo and a gym meet. They're leaving noonish on monday but they're just going to have to deal with the fact that the gym opens at 9 and yes I am going.

My mom also got me a bar of chocolate... fail.

09:19 pm - (no subject)

tired ate too much need to sleep.

fuck.

10:18 pm - (no subject)

FUCKING FUCKING FATASS WHY THE FUCK DO I KEEP EATING WHEN I'M SO FUCKING ENORMOUS.

GOD.

10:22 pm - (no subject)

holy shit anger anger fucking hatred rage smashing thigns i need to cut myself to pieces but my parents are here i cant i cant i want to SLICE MY ENTIRE FUCKING BODY INTO FUCKING BITS I WANT TO CUT OFF EVERY PIECE OF FAT I WANT TO SKIN MYSELF TO BONES AND BONES AND BONES

peel off the fat, peel off the festering skin and bulging muscles and leave just bones. just bones.