february 16

No new posts tonight; getting this together was hard enough. I knew this would be difficult, but I forgot just how difficult. I knew February 2010 would basically be a countdown for me, but I forgot how bad things were years before. It's hard to read, because while sometimes things seem so much better, sometimes I read this and things feel exactly the same.

But they're not. I know they're not. I no longer have the food hanging over my head, the intense self-hatred I would never wish on anyone, ever. Ever, ever, ever.

Anyway.

Trigger warning: eating disorder, suicidality.

February 16th

2005

01:42 am - (no subject)

oh look at the time...

have I done any homework tonight? no

ugh

farscape is depressing me. can it be happy again?

09:04 pm - she wants to go home, but nobody's home

omg ok this day really really sucked. I totally agree Anneka.

Mackey just HAD to give us that fucking in-class essay at the end. After the horrible math test. grrrrrr

To do:

-bio report
-start bio project
-history reading
-math homework
-POMs
-english reading
-english essay
-spanish ap work
-spanish oral thingy

oh tonight is going to be just GRAND. i was up until 2:30 last night and it'll probably be at least 3 tonight. great

and lost just finished and alias just started. and i'm not watching either

and uhh. it's so not natural. tv shows should not be able to affect people so much. seriously. i've watched the scene THREE TIMES and i CAN'T WATCH IT WITHOUT CRYING

:spazz:

i really need to send the disc back, but i don't want to. i want to keep watching it over and over and over... so much for happy endings eh?

2008

02:15 pm - (no subject)

I lost my prescription, which means I don't have my anti-depressants.

I've already missed a day, and I think I can feel it. Or maybe it's just in my head? It has a long half-life, so I really probably shouldn't feel it for a while.

Ugh. I feel like crap.I feel so big today. But hell, when don't I...

2009

06:07 pm - (no subject)

I really just want today to be over. This weekend has been horrible. It needs to end.

I hate how I judge the success of my days not on what I did or who I saw but what I ate.

Feeling suicidal tonight. Not the usual irrationally overdramatic, impulsive desire to fling myself off the top of a building, but a deep-rooted, calm need to simply wither away. I don't want my death to be flashy. I want to just slowly fade out of existence, so that by the time I'm gone people will have forgotten I ever existed. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to be gone.

07:07 pm - (no subject)

How did this ever start? When did I ever get it into my head that eating more food than should be physically possible would make me happy? How did I get here?

It's time to go take some dramamine and hope I die in my sleep tonight. Maybe tonight. Always and every just maybe tonight.

2010

05:35 pm - (no subject)

OMG the last two weeks have been so crazy. Archaeology midterm two Wednesdays ago, anthro midterm that Friday, LS midterm last monday, midterm paper due Wednesday. Sister's birthday Wednesday, which was super fun but a lot of work cooking and shopping and wrapping (and cleaning up after her haha).

Then my parents came this weekend, which was like. Really, really stressful. I'm still a little annoyed they didn't even ask if they could come this year, they just assumed. Whatever. They just don't mesh with college life, sorry.

( rant )

I have this feeling like they've just totally given up on me. They were giving me these looks that were driving me crazy but I know they're never going to say anything. Whatever. I'm over it. Now they're on to my sister. My mom gave her this huge lecture on how next year when she has an apartment she needs to make sure she eats well and blah blah and I just walked away. I can't deal with them. They always need something to put on a diet. My poor kitties. So Meeko has hyperthyroidism, and she lost like half her body weight. She was like 4 lbs, it was horrible. Anyway, we got her some medication and she's doing SO much better, and what does my dad say? She's fat. I could literally slap him. And when I was home over break I gave Nibblets more than I was supposed to because YOU CAN FEEL HER HIPBONES THROUGH HER BACK WHICH YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO DO god.

OH speaking of which, we went shopping at Victoria's Secret. Because, well. My sister + my parent's money = shopping = VS, ha. And I saw this ad and did a HUGE double-take.

I mean, really now? I hate the fashion industry, so much.

Err, rant. Anyway. We went to the LA zoo! It's not as bad as it's made out to be, but the cages are still super-tiny. It was snow day! Which was funny, because it was EIGHTY SEVEN DEGREES. IT'S FEBRUARY. I hate LA. Anyway, the cats were cats and ignored it. The chimps were so funny, completely avoiding it.

And oh my god there was a baby koala. I melted into a little puddle of goo.

( LA Zoo + CPK )

Oh my god.

 

 

( my mom finally scanned in some of her pictures )

Also, Christmas:

Yeah, that is definitely Anders. Signed. Matches my Starbuck!!

And yeah, my sister hung a thong over her Brad Pitt. Typical.

Seriously, I got all tall and stuff: