In yesterday's vein, it not only shocks me how I can fangirl and disorder all over everything at once, but how I can be so very ready to die and also care about school at the same time.
At some point I want to write a much longer piece on fangirling and mental illness, because I have lots of Strong Opinions on this. I don't care how cheesy or ridiculous it sounds, but fandom has truly saved my life, on many levels. It's given me an outlet for emotions I never had growing up. (Related, I find it hilarious that my parents & sister had a mini "intervention" for me. Said they thought I was "too attached" etc etc. OMG ARIA, YOU HAVE FEELINGS. STOP THAT.)
Anyway. Here continues my saga of downward spiraling. This weekend I'm planning (migraine-permitting...) to make a more comprehensive post of my experience. I will probably continue these posts on an off for myself.
February 28th + February 29th
usual trigger warnings.2004
2.29/09:44 pm - YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
IT WON EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVERY FUCKING ONE!!! :D :D :D EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!
I think my cats are permenantly terrified, I was screaming the whole time. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! THIS IS SO WONDERFUL!!! All 11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 :D :D :D
Only sad thing is Keisha Castle-Hughes and Johnny Depp didn't win :( Except Charlize Theron is cool, and I really wanna see Monster so that's ok, and I loved the "WMD" from Sean Penn. heh
I saw ROTK this morning too. What a wonderful LOTRish day
2006
02:14 am - hey baby can you bleed like me
I want to die.
I hate myself. I hate this life I'm living. I hate that I can't control myself. I hate everything about myself.
All I want is a hug. Jeezus christ, all I want is a hug. A real hug. I want to cry on someone's shoulder. I want my fairy tale ending.
2008
07:02 am - (no subject)
I woke up last night at 3ish with a panic attack. Shiny. I woke up at my usual 5, and just felt so sick I went back to sleep.
Today is really going to suck.
Some artist on DA was in a car crash and died. Everyone is posting "RIP". And that suddenly hit me. REST in PEACE. I want to rest in peace so BADLY. I just want this crazy, horrible life to be over, and to rest forever. I don't want to die, per se. I want to rest. I want to be at peace. I want every moment to not be torture.
I need some time off of life, so badly. I really just can't deal with both school and myself right now. One of them has to be sacrificed, and while I'm trying to keep up with both I'm ruining both.
I really just want to go back to sleep.
2009
07:54 am - (no subject)
Random though last night whilst trying to sleep - music can encode mathematical formulas or strings of numbers, no? I don't know the details but I know there are connections between the two. Maybe the Final Five song is something like that... although I have no idea what it would encode. I would have said earth, but uh yeah. Resurrection? Another home world? Hm.
2010
10:11 am - (no subject)
Picspam. Shamelessly stolen from tumblr. Just CAUSE.
( Hotness Pt. 1: Battlestar Galactica )
12:12 pm - (no subject)
TIME! ALONE!!
Finally. Jeezus. My sister just left, and Julia won't be back for another half hour or so. NO, I'm not killing myself. I just needed some TIME ALONE oh my god I can't stand being around people constantly. It's been driving me crazy.
Beauuuuuuuuuuuutiful quiet.
12:40 pm - (no subject)
So I REALLY need to decide what I want to do this Tuesday.
Already, things are starting to calm down. My sister came so I wouldn't be here by myself while Julia was at church, but she left and Julia's not back yet. I know that in just a little while things will go back to the way they were, and I can get back to my normal disordered routines.
But really, this can't keep going. It's been so completely draining acting happy all the time these past few days. And I'm past the point where I was definitely ready to kill myself. Things either need to change or I need to die.
I'm scared.
I mean, I tried telling the truth to my first therapist here, and my psych. And neither of them really gave a shit. I mean, I told them I was suicidal. I told them I'd tried to slit my wrists twice. Apparently that just wasn't serious enough. And I didn't look thin enough to really have an eating disorder. So I just wasn't worth their fucking time. But now they don't want a dead body on their hans, especially because I go to one of their psychs.
I guess I'm just not sure what I want to happen. I'm not sure what does happen, at this point.
I just know that something is different. "...it's like someone painted the world in different colors."
Everything is just different.
I don't know what I want.
05:33 pm - (no subject)
( LotS Perdition )
wait OH MY GOD CARA/LEO SEX SO FUCKING HOT.
Wait. WAIT.
*dies*
*DIES*
holy. fucking. shit.
06:09 pm - (no subject)
I can feel myself gaining weight like CRAZY. I can FEEL my thighs growing.
IT'S ABSOLUTELY FUCKING DISGUSTING.
09:18 pm - (no subject)
I feel really shitty, kind of like I did when I was in prozac withdrawal. EXCEPT I'M NOT WTF. I hope I'm not getting sick, I don't have time to get sick. I constantly feel dehydrated, exhausted, shaky, dizzy. It's like my blood sugar is constantly low, even when it's not.
I'm seriously concerned I've given myself diabetes. Honestly, I would LOL myself to death. HONESTLY.
Also, my foot is aching like it did when it was broken, UGH. I thought it was getting better. And it's a lot less swollen but it's still all sorts of funny colors. AND IT ACHES.
Yeah, I'm whining. It's my journal, I can whine if I want to.
I'm SO not ready for my midterm tomorrow. Woops.
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